Yesterday, Tarin and I watched this Japanese zombie film called Junk because my manager with eccentric taste in movies was raving about it and how it’s up there with Dawn of the Dead, so I had really high expectations for it. But the movie was only ok. Dead Alive and Re-Animator are still my favorite zombie movies, and I haven’t even seen all of the latter. I asked Tarin what it was he liked so much about zombies and Tarin said he likes watching people kill them. I like zombies because they’re so easy to kill. Just shoot them in the head. And if you miss, big deal, just run away. What are they gonna do? Run after you? They walk slower than Adriana Lima can process a thought! If you’re wondering who Adriana Lima is, and I’m sure I’m misspelling her name (the reason I know how to spell “misspell” is because of the Miss Pell mnemonic I leaned in the sixth grade), she is this Victoria’s Secret model I used to have the hots for and wanted to make a shrine for on the ceiling of my room (much like Stephanie did for Richard Gere in the Judy Blume book Just as Long as We’re Together, only she just had this one poster of him when he was younger and I wanted a galaxy of Miss Lima on my ceiling). Until I read an interview she did for some men’s magazine and she was so dull I swear time just went slower to adjust to how lame she was. She’s supposedly engaged to Lenny Kravitz, which makes me lose respect for him, because if he likes his women as insipid and vapid as she is then… then… it’s a shame. There’s probably a better way to put it than just “a shame”, but it would only get me going into another metaphor and already all this started because I was talking about zombies and how slow they walk and look at me know, I’m making fun of Lenny Kravitz and the IQ of his girlfriend.

Today, we’re watching this documentary called Hands on a Hard Body. It’s supposed to be hilarious. It’s about these people who are in this contest to win a truck, and the winner is the person who can keep their hand on it the longest. Is your life as exciting as that? Because mine is.

Today I hung out with Jeff and I made an appointment at the Orbit here in Ann Arbor to get my hair cut. If I get a haircut I might as well get it done by someone amazing, so I made an appointment with the most amazing stylist I could find. Hopefully after Monday, if you look at a before and after picture, you will say OH, DAMN. What AWESOME HAIR MAN. That’s what I hope people will say. I hope they stop in their tracks, look at me, gawk, and ask where I got my hair done. I’ll just flip it around and say something like, “I fell out of bed like this.” I used to have hair like that, a few years ago. Then I got it colored and re-colored and un-colored and bleached and pooped on so much now it’s all fried like some southern chicken.

Also with Jeff I bought a bunch of books at this cool used bookstore. I don’t even know the name of the store. It’s right next to Orbit, though. The bookstore guy has a big black dog named Luke, and Luke licked my face a lot and my hands a lot. I love the dog and everything, but later when Jeff and I ate dessert at Zingerman’s, I had to wash my face with that handsoap they have in public restrooms because my face and hands smelled like dog spit. The books I bought were two Dostoyevsky books (Crime and Punishment and Brothers Karamazov) and this trilogy in one by E.R. Eddison called Zimiamvia. Has anyone ever heard of Eddison? I hadn’t, but J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis gave him really awesome reviews. What is it with fantasy writers and using initials?

Over blueberry pie, chocolate mousse, stolen milk, and an iced espresso, Jeff and I talked about… how we prefer to date people of color. And also we made fun of these Asian girls who have their blue eyes and brown hair and white boyfriend, and how they wear clothespins on their noses to get the pointy nose and get surgery done on their eyelids to get the double folds and change their names from Hsiao-Chiu to Kristen or something like that. Jeff and I also talked about our own former self-hated, and how we thankfully got past it, but would everyone else please grow the fuck up? We also talked about how as a minority sometimes we thrive on negative power since sometimes it’s the only power we feel we can have, and how I associate that with abusing people I love and how he associates it with his S&M fantasies.

Anyway, what would an entry of mine be like without sex? Much like this one, I suppose.

I went to my therapy session today and I talked to my therapist about people who intentionally hurt themselves physically and the motivations behind it. It was really interesting and we shared some deep insights. I don’t think it’s necessarily “wrong” for people to inflict pain on themselves, because sometimes, that’s all you have. It can be a distraction, or a healing. I’ve always been intrigued by scars. Tarin wrote a sestina once about scars and memories, it’s one of the most amazing things I have ever read in my whole life. It was about how the scars on his flesh were like a map of memories, and he compared it to the scars in the sky. Very beautiful imagery. |

I got my new baby flying squirrel. His name is Spy, and he’s so tame! Nothing like baby Milo. Spy crawls on my hand and licks my fingers. My godfather, who’s a priest, blessed Spy under the name Abraham, so now Spy is Catholic, and I’m not too happy with that. But what could I say to my godfather? “No!”? And how would I explain my “no”? “I want Spy to be able to make his own decisions when it comes to religion…” I have a Catholic flying squirrel. I swore I’d never baptize my kids and here you go.

You know for the movie The Italian Job, the director made the cast perform a real heist to help build comraderie. So Mark Wahlberg et al stole some security uniforms and took a computer and some dailies from another movie set. After they celebrated, an assistant returned the stuff. Hmmm… what else… Keanu Reeves is starring in a movie with Diane Lane. I’m not sure if it’s a romantic sort of movie, but I personally think Keanu needs to stay away from that shit.

I still can’t believe how the movie Troy is going to be made. If you’re going to do Homer’s epic, keep it classic! Brad Pitt as Achilles??? And you know who is going to play Hektor? The guy who’s going to be the new Incredible Hulk. Uh.. yeah! Hopefully, I’m underestimating the casting director and the movie will be fantastic, because I love The Iliad. I also think they chose the wrong person to direct it, but whatever. What the fuck do I know about Hollywood. I wonder if this will be released as part of the summer fluff.

I just bought $7.00 peanut butter. It was organic. It better do amazing shit, like make my farts smell like baby powder or something.

I am bored out of my mind. I have been bored out of my mind for days and days. Thankfully, the puking has ceased, but I’m still tired ALL THE TIME. My therapist, Nancy, says that the way I experience boredom is strange because for most people it’s very blase blah. For me, however, I feel boredom very intensely. It frustrates and angers me and makes me want to cry. It makes me hate my life and hate myself, and throw mud pies and think about how my hair has so many split ends from processing. It’s like that White Stripes song, “I Just Don’t Know What to do With Myself”. I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!!!! I’m not even exaggerating. I’m so bored and tired that tears actually come out of my eyes.

I need a good book. You know the Iliad is coming to the big screen with Brad Pitt cast as Achilles? It’s called Troy and it’s due out next year. Helen of Troy is being played by Diane Kruger. You know, the face that launched a thousand ships. I’ve known this for awhile because I have a friend who writes movie reviews and he got to look at the script. He offered to let me read it, too, but I declined. I mean, I’ve already read The Iliad. One of my favorite paintings is one of Hektor saying good-bye to Andromache and his child before he goes off to war. I’ve always been interested in the character of Andromache because a bunch of shitty things happens to her after her husband’s death.

Brad Pitt as Achilles? I don’t know… but I like the guy, I like most of his movies… but a mythological period piece? Hmm. And I don’t know about the crew behind it. The guy who directed Perfect Storm is doing it, and the writer was the guy who did 25th Hour. It seems a little… weird… to have these people be the ones doing Homer’s epic. But what the fuck do I know.

TK and I watched this movie called The Shape of Things. I had read some reviews saying it was too dialoguey with no spectacular camera work. I don’t know where the “too dialoguey” came from, it seemed really natural to me, but yeah, the cinematography wasn’t special. At the same time, it didn’t need it. If you want to see one of the bitchiest, meanest endings to a movie ever made, then go see it.

Right now I’m reading the autobiography of the actress Hedy Lamarr. It’s pretty scandalous. She’s pretty open about all her sex romps, it’s almost like reading someone’s private diary. I think my godfather, who is a priest, is a bit disappointed in me for reading it. He gave me a copy of the Bible written in Filipino to read.

Well, my dumb ass went the whole day with my contact lenses in the wrong eyes. Fuck that shit. I couldn’t switch them around while I was at work, so I just suffered through it. I worked on my comics a little. I have two storyboards going. I just need to perfect the sketches and the dialogue.
I think I freaked TK out by the erotic e-mail I wrote him. I reiterated the tame version to you. He didn’t e-mail me back. Dammit. I was hoping for some masturbation material before I went to sleep tonight. But whatever. Looks like I’m going to eat a can of chunky beef stew and rice and call it a night…

OH! RL came into my job today. RL is this design engineer for Toyota who asked me out awhile ago and I used to have a thing for him. We talked for a long time. He’s really cool. He collects motorcycles and plays in a band. We talked about the movie One Hour Photo. He liked it more than I did, but I admitted I liked the dream sequence where the blood starts gushing from his eyes. I told him I liked the color scheme and the contrast of the crimson blood squirting in the white atmosphere. He asked me if I watched it on DVD or VHS and I said I saw it in the theater, and he thought it was cool that I noticed the color schemes because it was something they talked about in the director commentary of the DVD. He’s a really cool guy. RL, RL, RL. He mods his bikes. I wonder what his looks like…

Also at work, I tortured myself by watching swimfan. It literally made me wish I was rearranging my files instead. Sometimes I like to torture myself by watching really bad movies. If you like to do this, here are some suggestions: The Prodigy, Dungeons & Dragons, Riding in Cars With Boys, and Maid in Manhattan. After that, you will be bald from ripping your hair from your head. A pure S&M dream.

when i was at the aut bar with my friends, i was talking to this one guy about shopping, and man, he gets some really fly clothes for really good prices. bcbg… he really knows his shit. that’s what i like: a good shopper! he’s got strategy and everything. “don’t impulse buy… everything gets marked down, you have to study the store’s trends,” he told me, over a basket of nachos. he got this cashmere scarf for like, 75% off the original price (in chicago, though, so that doesn’t help me since i have no wheels). would i pay a $40 train ticket to go shopping in chicago? maybe. i told him he had to take me along the next time he goes.

tonight, something out of the ordinary happened… i hung out with my ex, cj. we’ve just b.s.’d for so long about hanging out it seems like. he’s really a good friend of mine. i thought it would be weird to see him but it was really natural. we cracked jokes. you know, i just realize i don’t have bad break-ups with any of my ex-boyfriends. well, any of them who really count, anyway. i guess if you count this guy i was with in high school who drew a picture of a cow, said it was me, and told me that i would never amount to anything special and that nobody would ever truly love me… you can say me and him had a bad break-up. but i don’t like counting him as a boyfriend. anyway, cj has a lot of goals and ambition. he was telling me how he applied to between 40-50 jobs last summer. he’s really trying to get this book published that he wrote about his grandmother, who is native american (seminole, i think). he wants to go to florida for spring break to try and do an interview for his book. he’s also writing a screenplay that his cousin is helping him with. cj told me he’d help me get back on track because i confessed to him that i’ve recently retired from my position as slacker extraordinaire. so… anyway… what was it like to see cj again? just like old times, my friend, just like old times. whenever i see him it’s like i can’t believe how good looking he is. i know that is really shallow but he’s gorgeous!
now the question is: will i see tk on my birthday? do i just search for reasons to be mad at that poor guy? i think i do. i should ease up. it’s just, i’ve been bugging him that it would mean a lot to me if he could see me on my birthday for months now. i mean, if the situation were reversed, and he told me how much it would mean to him for me to be with him somewhere that far in advance — or even with short notice — i would at least get a bus ticket if no one could drive me, you know? i really don’t understand how he sorts out his priorities sometimes… maybe i’m just… maybe i just expect too much? but how can being with tk on my birthday be asking for too much? i even asked for it to be my christmas present from him… i guess i’ll find out in a couple days. don’t get me wrong, tk is amazing. i’ve been thinking about him 24/7 all through break. but i feel like he’s not really happy with me, you know? like i’m too much in a bad way. or i’m too exhausting, or demand too much attention. i guess it’s just my perspective that hey, i’m not exactly the easiest girl to get into a relationship. so if i go that extra mile, it has to be for something spectacular. you know, the earth shattering, mind blowing, passionate, sensational, totally in-love “i hate you/i love you/now screw me” type of deal. like jack said to phyllis during their wedding vows on the young and the restless, “i used to be a cynic but meeting you i’ve learned all about love, i’ve learned that love is the answer, i believe love heals all wounds, i believe love is eternal, can survive everything”. i want that. i want to have a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10. i want the “if you miss a day without your friend, your whole life’s off track” sort of love. little notes. surprise phonecalls. because i’ve had that with someone before and it’s like, once you’ve had that kind of love, well… it’s hard to just settle for an 8 on that scale.

ugh! i totallly did a “boyfriend job” today.

boyfriend job: (noun) a task, chore, or activity that is either dirty, annoying, scary, difficult to lift or twist, that i postpone doing myself and wait around for a guy to do. yeah, this sounds like me taking advantage of the whole gender role thing…. ok, i am… one of the many reasons why i decided to leave single-hood and join the realm of couple-dom.

i changed my vaccuum cleaner bag. which doesn’t sound like a horror story… but trust me, it was. that thing hasn’t been changed since my freshman year, and i am to graduate this may. therefore… the bag… wasn’t functioning as a bag anymore. meaning… i had to scoop out dirt, hair, broken glass, and dust with my latex gloved hands from my vaccuum. it was just caked and crammed with all sorts of stuff i never wanted to see again… which was the main reason why i vacccumed that stuff up in the first place. it was quite disgusting.

well, at least my carpet is clean.