tonight, something out of the ordinary happened… i hung out with my ex, cj. we’ve just b.s.’d for so long about hanging out it seems like. he’s really a good friend of mine. i thought it would be weird to see him but it was really natural. we cracked jokes. you know, i just realize i don’t have bad break-ups with any of my ex-boyfriends. well, any of them who really count, anyway. i guess if you count this guy i was with in high school who drew a picture of a cow, said it was me, and told me that i would never amount to anything special and that nobody would ever truly love me… you can say me and him had a bad break-up. but i don’t like counting him as a boyfriend. anyway, cj has a lot of goals and ambition. he was telling me how he applied to between 40-50 jobs last summer. he’s really trying to get this book published that he wrote about his grandmother, who is native american (seminole, i think). he wants to go to florida for spring break to try and do an interview for his book. he’s also writing a screenplay that his cousin is helping him with. cj told me he’d help me get back on track because i confessed to him that i’ve recently retired from my position as slacker extraordinaire. so… anyway… what was it like to see cj again? just like old times, my friend, just like old times. whenever i see him it’s like i can’t believe how good looking he is. i know that is really shallow but he’s gorgeous!
now the question is: will i see tk on my birthday? do i just search for reasons to be mad at that poor guy? i think i do. i should ease up. it’s just, i’ve been bugging him that it would mean a lot to me if he could see me on my birthday for months now. i mean, if the situation were reversed, and he told me how much it would mean to him for me to be with him somewhere that far in advance — or even with short notice — i would at least get a bus ticket if no one could drive me, you know? i really don’t understand how he sorts out his priorities sometimes… maybe i’m just… maybe i just expect too much? but how can being with tk on my birthday be asking for too much? i even asked for it to be my christmas present from him… i guess i’ll find out in a couple days. don’t get me wrong, tk is amazing. i’ve been thinking about him 24/7 all through break. but i feel like he’s not really happy with me, you know? like i’m too much in a bad way. or i’m too exhausting, or demand too much attention. i guess it’s just my perspective that hey, i’m not exactly the easiest girl to get into a relationship. so if i go that extra mile, it has to be for something spectacular. you know, the earth shattering, mind blowing, passionate, sensational, totally in-love “i hate you/i love you/now screw me” type of deal. like jack said to phyllis during their wedding vows on the young and the restless, “i used to be a cynic but meeting you i’ve learned all about love, i’ve learned that love is the answer, i believe love heals all wounds, i believe love is eternal, can survive everything”. i want that. i want to have a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10. i want the “if you miss a day without your friend, your whole life’s off track” sort of love. little notes. surprise phonecalls. because i’ve had that with someone before and it’s like, once you’ve had that kind of love, well… it’s hard to just settle for an 8 on that scale.